Adultery, infidelity, cheating… call it what you will, is one of the biggest causes of relationship break ups. But sometimes, not for the reasons you might think.
While it’s generally accepted that the cheated partner in a relationship is going to suffer the after effects, it’s not so easy to accept that for the cheater, there’s often a lot of pain involved also. Hard to believe, but true nevertheless. And often, it’s the cheater’s inability to deal with the guilt that turns out to be the ultimate cause of a relationship breaking up.
While many people cheat on their partners, very few of them actually set out to do so intentionally. And while the emotional damage done to their partners is horrendous, if you want to get your relationship back on track after an affair, you have to accept that both parties will carry the scars, not just the one that was cheated on.
Now that’s not to say that everyone who has an affair feels guilty about it. Many don’t. But these tend to be the serial cheaters, the ones to whom infidelity is nothing more than an accepted part of a relationship. For the majority of people who have an affair, this isn’t the case. And they have to live every day with the guilt of knowing they caused someone they love such intense pain and heartache. That guilt is not easy to live with, and is every bit as painful as the heartache you might be feeling if you’re the one who was cheated on.
I couldn’t believe that my husband had any idea of how much pain I was in following his affair, let alone accept the fact that he might also be suffering pain of his own! And yet, because of his pain, we had to move home, leave friends, and set up a whole new life because he coudn’t cope with the guilt of what he’d done, not only to me personally, but to the relationship, and the family unit as a whole.
If you’re dealing with the pain of being cheated on and trying to rebuild a relationship then please, take a moment to recognise that you’re not the only one hurting. Sure, you can argue that the cheater deserves to hurt. They brought it on themselves after all. But pain is still pain, and whether it’s ‘deserved’ or not doesn’t really matter. It still hurts.
All too often, the cheated partner refuses to allow the cheater to move on. If you’re not prepared to allow them to heal, how can you expect to heal the relationship and yourself? Accept that both of you are damaged by the affair. Acknowledging your partner’s pain doesn’t mean you are absolving them of their guilt, but it does show them that you care enough about them to want to ease their pain, just as they want to ease yours.
Restoring the relationship won’t be easy. But then, nothing worthwhile ever is. If you truly want to get back to a loving, healthy relationship with your partner, then allowing them to move past the guilt they feel is a crucial step. Just as they will have to help rebuild your self esteem and trust in them, you will also have to help them rebuild their self image. You might not have been the one at fault, but even in relationships where neither partner has been unfaithful, it still takes two. So don’t expect it to be any different in a relationship where one partner has cheated.
Tags: Cheating, getting over being cheated on, guilt after cheating, guilty conscience, restoring trust, unfaithful spouse
