Making a plan to get back with an ex isn’t the first thing you think about when your relationship first breaks up. And with good reason. Apart from anything else, any plan you are likely to come up with while you’re still trying to come to terms with the break up isn’t likely to be well thought out and of any use anyway.

It’s likely to consist of ‘accidental’ meetings, sneakily following their every move, asking mutual friends to relay information between the two of you, or just outright begging them to take you back. If you’ve tried any of these methods in an attempt to get back with your ex, you already know that, at best, they don’t work, and instead will usually result in your ex thanking their lucky stars that they managed to get away from you.

If your relationship breakup is recent, and you’re considering any of the above methods, or anything resembling them, STOP right now.

You need to accept and grieve the breakup before you can begin to think clearly enough to plan on how you are going to get back together. As I’ve said before, if your ex is your true love, there is no need to panic. The cliche may be old, but it has been proven time and again, “True Love will find always find a way”.

You just have to help it along sometimes. : )

So where do you start?

Remember, what I’ve said before about ‘needy and desperate’ being unattractive? Then it seems pretty obvious that your first step in your ‘get back together plan’, is to make yourself attractive to your ex lover. And considering that you were once both madly in love with each other, it really shouldn’t be that hard.

Admittedly, I found this first step extra hard, because it does involve looking at yourself closely to see how you’ve changed over the years. And not just physically. Believe it or not, physical attraction isn’t what is going to get your lover back in your arms.

Of course, if you’ve totally let yourself go, and were constantly lazing around in your pj’s, not bothering with a daily hygeine routine, have gained an unhealthy amount of weight… then yes, you definitely need to take a close look in the mirror. This is something I’d recommend, not so you can increase your chances of reuniting with your ex, but simply so you can feel better about yourself as a person, either as part of a couple or not.

But what you really need to focus on is where your interests, habits, etc have changed. If you used to go out to lots of places, and recently you’ve preferred to sit at home watching T.V. letting your partner go out without you, then maybe they got tired of being ‘seemingly single’.

Maybe, it’s the opposite and where you used to be content to be alone with just your partner, you now find that you’re dragging them along to meetings and parties. Are you assuming that because your interests changed, theirs did too?

I recall being devastated when my partner said that I was happy to stay at home and he felt left out because he still wanted to go out and have fun. In truth, so did I, but as I’d assumed the ‘stay at home’ role when the children were young, I’d simply carried it on long after they were grown up and there was no longer a need for me to do so.

I can assure you once the air was cleared, there was a whole lot more fun together.

Everybody changes, as relationships settle and move into being comfortable, you no longer walk around on eggshells, trying to be the ‘perfect partner’. But that doesn’t have to mean you grow apart.

Take a close look at how your relationship may have changed. Accept that you played a part in those changes, for good or bad. Don’t accept responsibility for something that isn’t yours, but when you see where your responsibilities for the breakup lie, it becomes much easier to start planning how to get back to the person you once were. The person that your ex loved enough to be with in the first place.

Once you start focusing on you, taking an interest in yourself, holding yourself in high enough regard, so will others. And that includes your ex. It also makes it much easier to stick to any plan you make.

A word of caution, from someone who learned the hard way. As difficult as it seems, don’t involve the two F’s in your plan. Friends and Family, mean well and no doubt have your best interest at heart, but their lack of objectivity will prove a bigger hurdle than a help.

Hopefully, you’ve managed to retain a degree of friendship with your ex, despite the breakup. If not, then you may have to build some bridges so that you can at least get back on a friendly footing with each other. It’s important that you do remain friendly if you want to have any chance of getting back together.

Note that I’m not recommending the type of friendship where you need to be in contact on a daily basis. Quite the opposite. But just being available for a short chat, not having to worry if you do bump into each other, (and of course, make sure that you always look your best if you do accidentally meet up) an occasional sharing of a funny text… small things that will keep you in your ex’s mind are the stepping stones to getting you back in their hearts.