I decided it might be worthwhile to post up the top 5 relationships killers in the hopes that some of you might be able to save your relationship before it reaches the point of no return. If you recognise any of these killer behaviours in your  own relationship, then take some action now, and save yourself going through the pain of breaking up.

Control

Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling behavior falls into two major categories – overt and covert control. Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.

Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.

Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

Resistance

A lot of people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawing totally from the relationship.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this type of relationship often feel frustrated, and resentful.

Dependence

Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people haven’t learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they end up depending on their partner and others to do the job for them.

Addictions

Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their loneliness. Alcohol, drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

Blaming

Too many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.

Fixing Relationship Killers

All relationship killers come from fear – whether it’s a fear of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection… As long as you are trapped by any of these fears, there’s a good chance you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.

The way out is to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will only move past controlling, needy and addictive behavior when you learn how to fill yourself with love and define your own inner worth. This is your responsibility and it’s not fair to place it on someone else’s shoulders. Certainly not on the shoulders of the person you claim to love.

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• Dangerous Habits in Relationships
• How to Navigate the Maze of Internet Relationship Advice